The Process

I will describe the process of an arranged marriage as told by one individual. I am sure that this process differs depending on location, community, and economic background.

To keep it simple, I will discuss the process for a son and his family even though the same would be done for a daughter:

A couple will look for a wife for their son at ceremonies or weddings. Generally most of the people at these gatherings would be distantly related and of the same caste. If the mother or father sees a girl who looks respectable and well behaved, they will ask their host about her.

The host then acts as the middleman, going to the girl’s parents and asking their opinion on the boy. If he is suitable, they exchange pictures of their children. Each family will ask around about the other girl/boy and their family. The family is important because 1.) if there were any indiscretions with the girl’s the parents or siblings, it reflects badly on her; 2.) a girl will move in with her husband’s family after marriage and so they must be sure that his family will treat her properly.

Later, the boy’s elders will go with him to the girl’s house where the couple can meet and decide if they like the looks of each other. If both families are still interested, they will go to an astrologer to make sure that the planets are right for their marriage. This is a very important step and even if everyone agrees to the marriage but their astrology is bad, they will not marry.

In this kind of marriage, the decision to marry comes from relatives including elder brothers and sisters and their spouses. Some families are less strict and if the boy or girl does not want to marry the other, they will not force the marriage. Others, however, do not take the couple’s feelings into consideration in the marriage process.

***I took the picture displayed here during an Indian wedding ceremony.

My Experience with Arranged Marriage

About three years ago I traveled to Southern India for three months to study yoga during the fall semester of my freshman year in college. In my time there I met and fell in love with an Indian, Pramod, now my fiancé, who opened my eyes to the realities of arranged marriage (which I didn’t even know still existed today). Up until our engagement ceremony this past summer, Pramod’s elders continued to show him pictures of eligible Indian girls in hopes that he would agree to marry one of them. This seems so strange to me. I have grown up in a place where I will get to choose who I will marry and I can date as much as necessary to find the right one. I cannot imagine saying yes to a spouse based only on a picture.

Throughout the last three years I have made friends with more Indians both in India and in the US and I have had many more encounters of the horrors and joys of arranged marriage; including witnessing Pramod’s sister’s marriage to a man she had never met.

I will examine arranged marriage through the experiences I have had in India, interviews with those involved, and stories from those who have experienced it. Through studying arranged marriage and talking to people who have grown up with arranged marriage as a cultural norm, I hope to understand the reasons for them and what makes them work. This practice is strange to me and the thought of marrying and moving away with a man who I have never met before terrifies me. However, this is a practice which has a long history all around the world. I hope that I can begin to understand arranged marriage and maybe it will help me appreciate and get into the mindset of Indians a little bit more.

***The picture above is of the Mysore Palace in the south Indian state of Karnataka where I have spent most of my time in India.