Arranged Marriage in America

There is a woman from India who works with my dad and since my departure for India three years ago, we have spent increasing amounts of time with her. I will call her Lakshmi for privacy purposes. Lakshmi moved from India to the United States about twenty years ago, when she first moved here to marry her fiancé who she had never met.

Now, Lakshmi has a daughter who is in college. This daughter has been raised in an Indian household with Indian parents, but she grew up in the United States. I decided to find what Lakshmi planned to do about her daughter’s marriage.

Lakshmi told me that she would like to arrange a marriage for her daughter to a boy of the same class and caste. This boy could be American, like her, or he could be Indian—in which case Lakshmi’s daughter would move to India to live with him and his family. Lakshmi has friends both here and in India who have already gotten their child engaged.

This past Thanksgiving break (a few days before I asked her about her daughter and arranged marriage), Lakshmi brought up this idea with her daughter subtly. She mentioned a few of her friend’s children of the same age who were already engaged, she also brought up my engagement. To this Lakshmi’s daughter replied: “That’s good for

them but I hope you don’t think I’m getting engaged.” She is resistant to the idea of arranged marriage, as seems reasonable for a girl brought up in the United States.

Lakshmi seems calm about this resistance, but it does not seem that this is the end of the conversation. Her daughter is still young. Lakshmi agreed that it would be possible to find the perfect man for her daughter: an upper class Brahmin, living in America, and studying to be a doctor, and yet things may not work. Lakshmi said that it would be better that her daughter marries for love than to marry a man who fits this criteria and yet he beats his wife or does not take care of her. While Lakshmi believes that arranged marriage is the right way, the most important thing is that her daughter marries someone who is going to take care of her and respect her.

***I took this picture in the state of Kerala. These girls were dancing on their roof until I came with my camera and they all got together to pose for me.